Saturday, Night, Pissed.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
I blew my day up today.
I was playing Rakion after a long break from it, I was pissed at this ninja who keeps finding my mage to earn kills (Yes, it's just a game, but I'm sore enough to start getting pissed and stuff.), and I was like, "Stupid ninja.", in a very harmless way, and this archer had to go "shut up darknight.".
Fine. I'm a childish freak who is clumsy, loud, and always ready to get rough in games. I'm so frightening, nobody dares to play with me, and I'm stupid enough to whack 2 shuttle corks up to the roof and unable to get them back. Yes, I'm stupid, I'm sore, I'm clumsy, and I may act as one of the most immature monster of all time, but can I help it? I don't know, I start to lose control when I play competitive games like that.
Maybe I failed myself. I'm too bent on winning to think about anything else, I sometimes flare up when my team's losing and I got knocked down or something, I do those irritating 'stunts' all the time and make people detest me, I'm accident-prone and I'm actually proud of it. People may just whisper in someone's ear and say, "Man, this guy is clumsy.", when I start walking away from a finished game. It seems to me that I can never manage to do those kind of competitive sports right.
I shouldn't even play Rakion in the first place, it's like captain's ball : I become a terrifying freak and I probably won't even be aware of it.
Now I actually look back on these things and ask, is it that nobody knows me, or is it that I'm making people terrified to know me? I don't know the answer.
I know that "I can't help it." is an excuse, but this 'childishness' which I adopt in school is probably not helping me at all. For eight years straight this has been happening. Am I that hateful? Am I frightening and irritating and childish?
...
I don't mean to become vile...really...
Let it Rain.
21:32