Tuesday, January 29, 2008
No, [F.E AristoCraft] isn't really ble to be written out. Partly because I'm a lazy bum. Heck.
The story will stay with me forever, though.
Anyway, today is yet another sad day.
Work was quite easy, except that I had problems releasing energy during the first hour.
Signs of failing metabolism....oh no.
But yea, it was easy. A breeze.
As usual, I can't stop myself from thinking about the past. It vexes me, yet it is a bridge to whatever happy memories I had during the previous years. For now, I'll just take it one step at a time, slowly redirecting the now useless passion and the overflowing part of concern, and direct it somewhere else.
That's right, I quit the Cupid game. I'm backing off from what I see as a 'decay' when the chance of an arrow hitting you is zero or less.
Sucks, I know. But who cares?
See? I'm already losing some of the concern.
Two off-days in quick succession. I'll have to make full use of it.
Sorry blog, I'm just too lazy to update you daily. But here, take this!
Let it Rain.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Yea, so I'm destined to be alone in this shitty mess right now.
Pressure's on me, and signs of depression are surfacing, AGAIN!
I should just get an aggregate of 30+ and save everyone the trouble by going to ITE.
Now, I get 12, and I have to decide between my favourite course, and a 'cheap' jc.
I shall now ask myself, if I had a girl, what would she say to help me out?
I can't even imagine. How pathetic.
Now to ask myself, if I had a really close friend, what would he/she say to help me out?
I think I'll be told to go for what interests me the most.
If I just grabbed anyone on the street to answer this question, what would they say?
"Go jc lah! Your marks so good can go jc don't wan?"
Let's weigh things out.
If I go to a JC, I will sacrifice my free time, my interests, maybe my sanity. But I will lessen my mum's burden, get a good chance to qualify for University, and hopefully bring back more bacon.
If I go to a poly, I will be increasing my mum's burden, I'll be lowering my chances of going to a Uni, I'll be wasting one year. But I will be keeping my interests, and hence my determination to complete the course, I will be able to start on my profession early, and hopefully bring back more bacon.
Looking at this, I will have no choice but to sacrifice myself.
Let's just hope I can survive JC and manage a varsity education.
Bye bye interests, it's been nice having you for a few years.
I just wish someone is here to help me out...
Let it Rain.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
These few days, I have been the Service Ace of the kitchen because of the 'last order' incident.
Oh well, but I like it.
Although peak hours can be a real sore when you have to juggle between taking the serpent-like-chain-of-orders and going for a Serve, it actually is great fun, seeing the teamwork between two runners working out and hearing 'Thank You's after you serve for them to "Enjoy your meal. =)".
Today is no different, with all the fun and laughter going on in the kitchen. The giving out of mandarin oranges, the preparing of Salmon Karaage just for a fellow runner, and I can't emphasize the teamwork enough. It felt quite smooth for today, although there was a moment when the order list was turning into behemoth proportions. (Or should I say De Rol Le? Never mind, the common folks won't know what I'm talking about.)
I kinda lapsed out of depression today. Talks with friends over the Net has the same effect, even better than one-on-one talks.
Bleh, my train of thought cuts off here. End!
Let it Rain.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
"Onward, march! No looking back, soldier!"
That's what I said to a friend who's worrying about her results.
I told her what's done is done, and there's no point looking back.
I should follow suit and move on, too.
Barba Ray is so stingy, it wouldn't even give me a DoubleSaber even at a rate of 1/22. What's its problem?
Haha. To think I had to spend...9 minutes and 16 seconds pounding it till it sinks.
"Your Pig Rays are so easy to dodge, Barba. I'll see you in Ultimate."
Let it Rain.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Dear blog, nobody reads you. That is my ultimate security.
Lately, I have no-one to turn to, nowhere to relieve the hurt, and absolutely no solution to throw away the fatal memories that has been with me for the 4 years.
Now, tears are forcing their way out as a temporary relief to all the bottled-up thoughts and wounds.
I'm suffering from depression, definitely.
Perhaps one day, I may just be forced into contemplating suicide and ending my shit life once and for all.
I have been trying my very best to think positive. Looks like it doesn't work, when all I get is misery and disappointment time and again. I thought work today could give me some sort of relief for all the pain I'm experiencing. Well, it did for almost the whole of the day. Then what the manager did during the last 5 minutes left me doubting my self-worth. I left, trying desperately to hold back the tears. It should have been let out years ago.
As I walked back home, I thought about my friends and what they did since the last 4 years. I got to admit, I even doubted that they were my friends at all. When I say I needed a girlfriend, some of my friends just passed a remark saying that I'm 'desperate'. Now that I think about it, I'm not. It's because of lack of confidants and close friends that led me to this thought. What a shame.
I should go to s shrink at this rate. At least a shrink acknowledges my thoughts and problems and helps me solve them. My friends barely does things like that, and it's actually the older friends who tries to give advice. I guess their advice have fallen to deaf ears. I'm sorry they wasted their time.
I lost it a while ago when my sister didn't know a Math question which was pretty easy to understand. I think I've reached my limit. Any more, and I'll snap, and probably say goodbye to this world once and for all. I really wish someone would come and save me soon.
"Bah, fat chance."
Let it Rain.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Why am I just so stubborn and stupid?
Why must I slap myself back into the coffin, when for the slightest moment I feel unshackled from all the self-tormenting?
Terence, please, STOP THIS SHIT NOW!!! WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THAT STUPID SENTENCE??? Why? WHY???
It's all clear now-
The wounds are inflammed.
I just feel so frustrated.
Maybe I should let loose and cry.
Maybe I should hit myself out cold so I won't even think about these things.
I've just had enough of my own weakness.
When can I actually begin to 'stop thinking about it'? Am I hurt to the point of no return? Is it so hard to wait? Is it so hard to ignore these matters? Is it? IS IT???
I'm unstable, seriously.
I'll have to get a grip on myself if I'm to be mentally sound.
If not, I'll head for a shrink.
Maybe they should install a memory block to help me forget the past.
All the 'maybe's...I'm in desperate need for someone to guide me right now.
-shakes head- You're pathetic, Terence.
In the end, you'll just be disappointed as no-one will help you, and you'll have to stand up from this fall, all on your own.
-shakes head- What loneliness. So it shall be.
Let it Rain.
Monday, January 14, 2008
It's so annoying.
The loneliness comes and goes, but never seem to fade away.
After the chat at outlet today, I realised that my luck in love so far has been at absolute zero.
Maybe it's a curse, maybe 'the time isn't ripe', or maybe, the time during sec 2...
Nah. Soon I'll be acting like a spoilt brat wanting to have a 'girlfriend'.
I shall be ruined then.
I want to love. I want to give. There is just no one to receive it.
I'm very sure it's at absolute zero. Even if there ARE girls out there who probably like me, they on't say it.
I always know that love is never a game.
It's a commitment. Of two. And it should be long-running.
I just hate the people who simply stead and break as they please. It's not a game. Neither is it for leisure.
In it lies the hidden fact that it's SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Never mind. I'll just learn to survive while my other half comes.
I hate living halved. Dang it!
Let it Rain.
Okay, so I failed to blog for the 13th of January. Ah, who cares.
Today is spent on PSOBB, mostly. With that little bit of crap AVP (waste of my life) and other various stuff which requires my attention.
Siva gave quite a scare when he messaged me with a tinge of anxiety in it. But when I looked at the problem he described, I was relieved somewhat.
He just had a virus which auto-restarts his comp. Unlucky, but still fortunate. At least it's not a fatal hard disk error.
I played a little of Runescape earlier at around midnight. Ah, the memories. I remember I was lvl38 struggling, now I got a lvl83 account and another one catching up on mining, smithing and cooking. I last played 255 days ago, though. According to the client. Heh.
Schedule for this week is out. I'm getting inconvenient 4-hour shifts so I guess I won't be going out for those days. Then, I'll train a little with Siva on Wednesday and Saturday. Finally, the striker training can proceed.
Gah, I really have little energy left to post. I'll end here.
--Enjoying the calm before the storm--
Let it Rain.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
As usual, the inner world still has its instabilities now and then.
But I think I'll tide it through. I guess.
Maybe Cupid's been protecting me all along.
Constantly shoots bullets at me, with all of them near-misses, resulting in the people around me getting hurt by it.
In one way, that's not being fair. I'd rather take the pain and endure it by myself.
If love must hurt, hurt me. I won't retaliate. But I'll definitely struggle.
"I should stay in the dusk, while guiding my loved ones on the Road To Dawn."
The match today ended in a devastating 4-0 loss to 4/5. I know, we suck. And a few of the teammates are to blame. Then a second match, 3v3, was won 5-4. I slotted in 4, but I believe I can do much better. Dribbling is a problem, and the misses are absolutely ridiculous. My aim goes off in-game, that's for sure.
Saw Edna this morning. Hm, I think I'm scarred already. We just used our eyes to say 'hi'. =.=
No hard feelings, no pain. Friends, and only friends.
I should use the remaining time off to do other things like WRITING ON THIS BLOG...
PSOBB has been fun, and I just recently completed a TTF run on One person mode. I bet I won't be able to survive in the Normal TTF.
As for combat...look, learn, judge, and analyze. There was one event where I failed to do that. I went on to repel the So Demenians instead of rushing the Chaos Sorcerer down. In the end, when I do manage to bring it down, it was too late. The sorcerer landed a freezing spell on me, which led to my demise by the ruthless blades of the Demenians.
Ah heck. I've been too busy playing computer games to bother about anything else. Perhaps that's a good thing. Just, perhaps.
I think Amelia forgot my number.
Let it Rain.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Posting frequently is definitely something I could get used to.
No really. It is.
If not for the PSOBB I have to play, and the work that stretches for a freaking full-day today, and other what-nots...bah, excuses. All excuses.
I realise I haven't any New Year resolutions yet. But then. do I need it at all? What am I going to wish for if even one of my resolutions come true? Being realistic and un-hoping should be the key to the least of my disappointments.
But then, even if I had resolutions I wouldn't have too many. Meh.
1. I wish that I wouldn't be an asshole like I did for the past 10 years.
2. Be mentally stronger. A lot stronger, in fact. These years have put mind to the test over and over.
3. I won't be desperate anymore. (For all you assholes who want to pick on this, go ahead. SEE IF I CARE.)
4. I want the 3 Cs. Not Condo, Cars, Cash. But Cool, Calm, Collected. I can't stand myself panicking everytime a customer comes my way.
5. I just wish two of the greatest things that compose of my soul would not start another struggle. (Don't even try to understand this.)
6. Never get affected by hormones or any kind acts. You've had enough, Terence.
I guess 6 would be enough. Then again...what kind of resolutions are these? Bah, shall not question it. The goals are set, and the rest is up to me.
Tomorrow, Heeren will witness its most hungry army. Ever.
I should start surfing blogs to see what others are up to, but my eyes will hurt so much from focusing on terrible colour combinations...
Let it Rain.